In Which I Give You My Book’s First Line…

Posted February 7, 2011 by shooting in Uncategorized / 15 Comments

Dark and Stormy Blogfest Contest

To try and win an awesome critique by an agent, I’m entering this giveaway. In order to do so, I have to write a couple things about my manuscript and include only the first line. So here we go…

Name: Lauren Becker

Title: The Heartbreak Boys

Genre: YA Contemporary (LGBT)

First Line-

Annabelle Williams gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Ryan.

And because everyone seems to agree that I need more…I’m going to add the second line, and if you all have ideas on combining them or something, comment!

Beautiful words for a heartless bitch.

I wish we could include more than the first line, because the second is the real clincher that should make you go “Ohh…what’s going on?!” but hopefully the first line is somewhat interesting! Enjoy…leave your thoughts if you wish!

15 responses to “In Which I Give You My Book’s First Line…

  1. Ooooh can we get the second line?! (I am not pouting, I promise! lol) I've noticed that a few of the other writers have added their second and third lines in italics or at the bottom of their entry.

  2. Nice opener, but I agree with Teralyn that this doesn't catch me enough. I would need to know the second sentence to see whether the story grabs my attention.

  3. That's easy!

    "Annabelle Williams gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Ryan"… beautiful words for a heartless bitch.

    My only concern is that I don't know who the "bitch" is. Are we talking about the mom? I assumed someone was talking about the mom, which is why I added italics.

  4. Teralyn: That's what I was thinking…to put them together. As for your question, it's someone stating something. They aren't talking to anyone. It's more of a thought. So yes, the "bitch" in question would be Annabelle. The person thinking about this is the father of the baby she had.


  5. What about something like: "No matter how adorable her baby boy was or how painful labor was, there was no denying Annabelle Williams was still a bitch."

    I don't know if labor really was long, but it felt like it needed a bit more information in there…

  6. For sure the first line needs a bit more. combining them would work as long as the subject makes sense. how about: Annabel William may have given birth to a beautiful baby boy named Ryan, but that didn't make her any less of a heartless bitch.

  7. It's unclear who is the heartless bitch at this point, but honestly, I don't think that matters in your first line. It gave me goosebumps which is the true test of a good line.

  8. I think if you included the second line after a semicolon instead of as a new sentence, you could totally combine the two and call it one. It carries a lot more punch that way and I think you've got a great hook with the two together.

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